Ernie the Turtle

Verse 1

I found my Ernie by my trees,

Half-hidden underneath the leaves.

I thought at first he was a stone,

But there he sat so still, so alone.

I brought him in and fed him well,

That hungry rascal loved his meal.

He stretched his neck and grabbed that worm,

And gulped it down without concern.

 

Chorus

Oh, Ernie, Ernie, what a day,

Things surely didn't go our way.

I meant to treat you mighty well,

Yes, good intentions sometimes fail.

There's one thing I have learned for sure,

A lesson that will long endure:

If you must pop a turtle, friend,

Don't do it in your wife's kitchen!

 

Verse 2

Next day old Ernie wanted more,

So four fat worms went on the floor.

But something wasn't going right,

That turtle was a sorry sight.

His head and legs began to swell,

His body puffed up like a shell.

I thought, “I know what I should do,”

And found a needle—bad move, too!

 

Chorus

Oh, Ernie, Ernie, what a day,

Things surely didn't go our way.

I meant to treat you mighty well,

But good intentions sometimes fail.

There's one thing I have learned for sure,

A lesson that will long endure:

If you must pop a turtle, friend,

Don't do it in your wife's kitchen!

 

Verse 3

I gently pushed the needle in,

To reduce the pressure within.

Old Ernie scattered high and low,

In places turtles shouldn't go!

My wife, Loni wasn't pleased,

With turtle pieces where she'd see.

And after all these years, my friend,

I'm still lamenting Ernie's end.

I wanted that turtle for a friend.

 

Final Chorus

Oh, Ernie, Ernie, what a day,

Things surely didn't go our way.

I meant to treat you mighty well,

But good intentions sometimes fail.

There's one thing I have learned for sure,

A lesson that will long endure:

If you must pop a turtle, friend,

Don't do it in your wife's kitchen!

 

[Spoken ending:]

Nope. Never in your wife's kitchen.